Week One

The first thing that happened was that I started to pay attention – and I first noticed I kept slipping back into old ways of thinking. Instead of keeping open to All Things Are Possible (ATAP), I turned back to the Usual Things Will Happen (UTWH), and as we all know, when you think the usual is going to happen, then you act as if the usual will happen, and then the usual does happen! However, every time I noticed the UTWH mindset I did my best, sometimes unsuccessfully, to think in an ATAP way. By the end of the week, it was getting slightly easier.

On Sunday, ATAP helped me big time. Instead of just feeling my usual social anxiety at church, I found that I was also observing myself feeling it. As I observed, I tried motivating myself: if all things are possible, then it’s possible to not feel anxiety. This helped the anxiety diminish a little more – not enough to approach anyone and actually talk afterward, but it was enough to feel more relaxed. A first step.

SailingLater that day we went out sailing. There was fear there too, right at the beginning when I though we were taking Viento out, because of the currents that go through where she’s docked. As it turned out, we took Wind Borne instead. She’s docked in a different place, with very low current. My nervousness evaporated. The wind was perfect, the motor started despite the cold – everything seemed perfect. We put up the sails before we cut loose because we thought we could sail her away from the dock – but ended up almost ramming the dock. And oddly, I felt no fear then, just exhilaration. The fear was with Viento, thinking about bashing the dock.

That night, I watched After Earth again.  It turned out to be an interesting choice. The theme: Danger might be real, but fear is a choice. To put this toward my social anxiety: yes, social humiliation may be real; I may say something stupid and have people think I’m weird; I may inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings; I may act like a total idiot. But to be afraid of doing that is a choice.

This week, I’ve also had a shift of writing focus, from one screenplay to another, from Freedom to Undertow. I’m happy for it. I think it’s the right project for me right now, and events conspired so that I can – All Things Are Possible!

And one more thing happened that was mystically powerful. If you come along on this journey with me, you’ll have to get used to weird interpretations of possibly very normal phenomena. I’m telling my experience the way I interpret it; it’s not meant as a statement on the way the world is. Anyway, I was sleeping in, tired because I woke up at 3 and couldn’t sleep again until 6:30, and yet I was still waking up. I didn’t want to wake up. I fought it. I wanted another hour…  And a voice spoke inside my head (no, it wasn’t Brad – lol!): “Don’t ask for more time to extend your experience, ask for more experience to fulfil your time.”  I have no more words for that right now. Just putting it out there.

So in the first week of living as if all things are possible:

  1. Changed writing projects;
  2. Entered a writing contest;
  3. The power went off a few times (but that wasn’t me, I promise);
  4. Observed my usual social fears instead of only feeling them;
  5. Realized something important about time and experience;
  6. Fear is a choice. Now I just need to have the focus and inner balance to choose to not feel it in fearful situations.

And right on time, the power has returned… time to post.

Epiphanies in the Night

Medellin, Columbia

Medellin, Columbia

A number of weeks ago, I promised a blog post outlining what I learned in Texas, and then I procrastinated. It’s not like I didn’t think about writing the post; I did, often. I also knew what I wanted to write.

The words came to me in the middle of the night after being in Dallas for about two weeks. I woke at 3 a.m., suddenly and completely, with an epiphany in my head. I grabbed my journal and wrote on what I hoped was an untouched page in the darkness. It was, and the words I wrote were mostly legible.

So why haven’t I put them here?

It’s not time. The epiphany is too fresh to share, too new in my life – so instead of telling you what I realized that night, I’m going to tell you how it has changed my life so far:

1. I am going to Columbia to teach English and do other social awareness projects for three weeks in 2016. Teaching: way, way, way out of my comfort zone!

2. I am in the process of becoming a member of the Sooke Sailing Coop. No, I don’t know how to sail. Yet.

3. I started a Facebook page for my writer persona. I know I should have done it long ago but it just seemed such a big step. Now it’s done. You can link to it here if you’re interested.

4. I have two new script ideas. Yes, TWO!

5. I have committed to doing what it takes to break in to screenwriting. If this means traveling to Hollywood and meeting with producers, agents, or managers, I will do it. I’ve accepted and embraced this necessity, which for reclusive me is a very big thing.

Obviously, Texas was a game changer for me, and a testament to one thing I believe: don’t back off from change because it’s usually a good thing. Not that I won’t be doubting how good it is in Columbia when I’m standing in front of a bunch of people, wishing I was somewhere – anywhere – else.  🙂