The first thing that happened was that I started to pay attention – and I first noticed I kept slipping back into old ways of thinking. Instead of keeping open to All Things Are Possible (ATAP), I turned back to the Usual Things Will Happen (UTWH), and as we all know, when you think the usual is going to happen, then you act as if the usual will happen, and then the usual does happen! However, every time I noticed the UTWH mindset I did my best, sometimes unsuccessfully, to think in an ATAP way. By the end of the week, it was getting slightly easier.
On Sunday, ATAP helped me big time. Instead of just feeling my usual social anxiety at church, I found that I was also observing myself feeling it. As I observed, I tried motivating myself: if all things are possible, then it’s possible to not feel anxiety. This helped the anxiety diminish a little more – not enough to approach anyone and actually talk afterward, but it was enough to feel more relaxed. A first step.
Later that day we went out sailing. There was fear there too, right at the beginning when I though we were taking Viento out, because of the currents that go through where she’s docked. As it turned out, we took Wind Borne instead. She’s docked in a different place, with very low current. My nervousness evaporated. The wind was perfect, the motor started despite the cold – everything seemed perfect. We put up the sails before we cut loose because we thought we could sail her away from the dock – but ended up almost ramming the dock. And oddly, I felt no fear then, just exhilaration. The fear was with Viento, thinking about bashing the dock.
That night, I watched After Earth again. It turned out to be an interesting choice. The theme: Danger might be real, but fear is a choice. To put this toward my social anxiety: yes, social humiliation may be real; I may say something stupid and have people think I’m weird; I may inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings; I may act like a total idiot. But to be afraid of doing that is a choice.
This week, I’ve also had a shift of writing focus, from one screenplay to another, from Freedom to Undertow. I’m happy for it. I think it’s the right project for me right now, and events conspired so that I can – All Things Are Possible!
And one more thing happened that was mystically powerful. If you come along on this journey with me, you’ll have to get used to weird interpretations of possibly very normal phenomena. I’m telling my experience the way I interpret it; it’s not meant as a statement on the way the world is. Anyway, I was sleeping in, tired because I woke up at 3 and couldn’t sleep again until 6:30, and yet I was still waking up. I didn’t want to wake up. I fought it. I wanted another hour… And a voice spoke inside my head (no, it wasn’t Brad – lol!): “Don’t ask for more time to extend your experience, ask for more experience to fulfil your time.” I have no more words for that right now. Just putting it out there.
So in the first week of living as if all things are possible:
- Changed writing projects;
- Entered a writing contest;
- The power went off a few times (but that wasn’t me, I promise);
- Observed my usual social fears instead of only feeling them;
- Realized something important about time and experience;
- Fear is a choice. Now I just need to have the focus and inner balance to choose to not feel it in fearful situations.
And right on time, the power has returned… time to post.